Perks of Being a Wallflower

WARNING: This post contains spoilers for Perks of Being a Wallflower and will not make sense if you haven't watched the movie. I would not recommend reading this if you haven't seen it.

This movie was definitely not what I was expecting. It started as a nice film about the main character, Charlie, growing and finding himself in high school, which is what most of this was but it was more than that. Dealing with trauma and mental illness while also growing up was an integral theme of this film. I was thinking about how to open this post as I was watching the movie and for probably a little over half of the film, I was going to open with an anecdote from my freshman year of high school. I’ll still give that but I didn’t want to open with it as I realized that my own experience does tie into part of the film but it’s not exactly important.

When I was a freshman, I didn’t have anyone I felt comfortable sitting with at lunch so it took some days of gathering the courage, but I eventually asked someone I’d wanted to become friends with since middle school if I could sit with him and his two friends, both of which I went to elementary school with but only one I had talked to (but I was hoping they had forgotten about me) and this was nice for approximately five months. However, in those five months, one of the people at that table had started dating one of my best friends and she sat with us too and we all were in the same math class. However, after these five months, my friend and her boyfriend broke up and the other people at that table left us. So I ended up joining my friend at her sibling’s friend group’s table. They were juniors at the time. I really didn’t talk much but they still made me feel welcome and like I belonged and safe. I knew if I needed anyone, they’d be there for me. Especially the sibling’s girlfriend, she was one of the most caring and accepting people I’ve known. I sat with these people for the rest of the school year and then hardly saw them the year after but just being around them really did help me my freshman year. As did a senior I met in marching band. I didn’t get why she wanted to talk to me specifically so much at the time, but looking back, she must’ve seen me as a shy, quiet kid she wanted to help get out of their shell. I wish I had talked to her more. But these people still helped me through the uncertainty of freshman year, especially after losing multiple friends after my friend and her boyfriend’s breakup. Seeing Charlie in Perks of Being a Wallflower being taken in by a weird group of upperclassmen really resonated with me because of my experiences. I had more friends starting high school than Charlie did but still not many so just like him, I felt truly appreciated when I got taken in by older kids.

I also just really liked being able to see myself in Charlie. Fortunately, I haven’t gone through any sort of abuse or large loss like he has but there’s still plenty of traits I can relate to. Being shy, a bit of a loser, having a passion for some sort of art, mental issues, feeling small, and most importantly, being an observer to life. Even as Charlie is living life, thinking he’s happy, he’s still just observing. The main scene I think of is the New Years party he went to. He told his brother beforehand he was planning on asking Sam out at that party and instead, she was with Craig and Charlie was on LSD. He watched the party from the couch as all the figures in front of him blurred and he missed out. This scene really represents a lot of the movie. Most of the movie in general, he’s watching. He learns about his family and friends’ issues and he cares about those more than his own. We only see very brief flashbacks and short mentions of his trauma until the end. Also at the end, Charlie tells his doctor that he wants to stop seeing everyone else’s pain. It’s so easy for him to overlook his own pain and only look at other’s pain.

I am an observer in my own life. I’m an outsider in most groups and many conversations I’m in usually end up in me just quietly listening. I love listening in on other people’s conversations that I chose not to participate in. Or sometimes they chose not to include me. I don’t get invited to stuff, I don’t go anywhere. I appreciate my solitude as it is most of the time, however, I am a lonely person, and that bothers me sometimes. I also daydream a lot. Realistic stuff that could happen if I just put myself out there more. Charlie does this too in a capacity. However, just last summer, I hung out with my friends more than I have before (not that I hung out with them a lot, it was just more than I was used to) but even when hanging out with them, I felt like I was an outsider. I was also acutely aware of the fact that this will be over soon. And then it was over and two of the friends I was hanging out with started dating and I realized I was in the way of their perfect love story and now I haven’t hung out with anyone outside of school for over a month. Charlie does get invited to stuff and does hang out with his friends but he’s the outsider in his group. Everyone else had been friends for many years before he came along and he’s not important to the group. Sam and especially Patrick try to include him but that doesn’t change the fact that he just doesn’t fit into the group.

Charlie even says in one of the letters halfway through the film that he’s trying to participate. However, his means of participation are daydreaming about love to Sam’s collection of music and studying books. Neither of these are actually participating as these things involve him not being present in the world. Charlie actually daydreams a lot during the film, I didn’t notice it until my second time watching it. His last day of his senior year as he starts his first day of freshman year, kissing Sam instead of Mary Elizabeth, breaking up with Mary Elizabeth, etc.. It feels like he spends more time in his head than he does actually experiencing life. He thinks he’s participating though because he’s never had this many friends before or felt so cared for. It passes by though and he loses what he had when he broke up with Mary Elizabeth and then he got bad again because then he was alone yet again. Back to where he started freshman year but now with the guilt of what he did and lost hanging over him. After a few weeks, he got his friends back but didn’t feel the same. Patrick had his own issues that he couldn’t hide anymore and Sam was leaving very, very soon. Charlie should’ve been feeling better but it was only getting worse. He then watches as his friends prepare to leave but he’s not going anywhere and is very aware of the fact that soon, he’ll be without them.

Then Sam’s going away party was the tipping point for Charlie. It went by so quickly and Charlie was already missing her as he was there and watching her. He still couldn’t break through just being in the background. He was small. He was hardly even there. And then Sam brought him into her room and he’s still distant but Sam tries to break him out of that. Then she kisses him and he withdraws again after she touches his leg. He knows something is wrong but doesn’t quite remember. Then the next day Sam leaves and Charlie’s there but he isn’t present at all and then she’s gone and he’s all alone again.

He then goes home and I love the way his panic attack is portrayed. He’s falling apart as he walks home. We see old photographs on the walls of people long gone and we see Charlie’s memories. The blacked out parts. Old memories. New memories. Aunt Helen over and over and over. “It’ll be our little secret.” He calls Candace, she knows what’s happening. We see the past and present flicker back and forth as Charlie doesn’t know what to do. As he considers a knife before police knock down the door and then he’s in a hospital. The way this is shot and edited is meant to disorient the viewer as Charlie is in the moment. We see very brief non-chronological memories flashing by in between glimpses of Charlie breaking down. And especially the part where Charlie walks into the kitchen, then it’s Charlie as a kid walking into the kitchen, Charlie now walks to the table, kid Charlie walks to Aunt Helen at the table, he holds her hand and we see a clear tight shot of the scars on her wrist, Charlie now looks over to the knife on the counter, the door gets broken down, Charlie’s doctor enters his hospital room. It’s just done so well and this whole sequence is one of my favorite scenes in the whole film just because of how well it works and how beautiful it is for such an ugly thing.

Another thing I really like about this film is how often things are reflected in other parts of the movie, or hinted at, or directly mirrors something, I just find it so cool to see. One of my favorite moments was when Sam asks Charlie a very similar question he asked Mr. Anderson earlier in the film: “Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like nothing?” And then Charlie says, “We accept the love we think we deserve,” which was what Mr. Anderson told Charlie earlier.

There’s also the phrase “our little secret.” It’s first said by Patrick at the first party Charlie went to after he caught Patrick and Brad making out. This scene also almost mirrors a scene later in the film. Just Patrick and Charlie go on a drive and Patrick starts off fun and silly as they share suburban legends and then Patrick tells Charlie about what happened with Brad and then Patrick kisses him. Patrick then apologizes and hugs Charlie and it felt like the phrase “our little secret,” was hanging in the air. Then Aunt Helen says the same phrase to Charlie on Christmas Eve right before she leaves to get his present. Right before she dies. And the last time we hear it is during Charlie’s panic attack, he’s remembering what Aunt Helen did to him and in the present, he says, “it’ll be our little secret.”

The other thing that’s repeated that stands out to me is “I feel infinite,” and “we are infinite.” Both in the two tunnel scenes which directly mirror each other. In the first tunnel scene, Charlie watches Sam as she shows how truly alive she is and Charlie feels truly alive as well for the first time in the film. He feels infinite in the moment. He’s actually there. This also directly contrasts the scene before at Bob’s party where Charlie got high for the first time and most definitely wasn’t there. Then right after this tunnel scene, Charlie writes a letter about how happy he is with his new friends and talks about them. Then we see Charlie actually living in the moment until a few scenes later when he sees Sam with Craig.

Then the second tunnel scene is at the very end, the last scene of the movie, after everything. It’s also shown in the opening credits. It’s the conclusion to the whole film. It’s the same as earlier except instead of Sam, it’s Charlie standing on the back of the truck, truly alive. Just as he watched Sam months earlier. We also actually see him exiting the tunnel, unlike the first tunnel scene. It’s symbolizing Charlie’s freedom and him entering a new chapter of his life. It’s beautiful and we are all infinite. This is also when we hear Charlie’s last letter. I find it wonderful so to close this post about this beautiful movie, I’m going to put it here.

I don't know if I will have the time to write any more letters because I might be too busy trying to participate. So, if this does end up being the last letter, I just want you to know that I was in a bad place before I started high school. And you helped me. Even if you didn't know what I was talking about. Or know someone who's gone through it. It made me not feel alone. Because I know there are people who say all of these things don't happen. And there are people who forget what it's like to be 16 when they turn 17. I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. And we'll all become somebody's mom or dad. But right now, these moments are not stories. This is happening. I am here. And I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive. And as you stand up and see the lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you are listening to that song on that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment, I swear… we are infinite.